If you made it to the Ray-Ban x Boiler Room Weekender at Split Rock Resort back in November, then you know the Poconos still have some kick in them. I mean, jazz giant Kamasi Washington tearing up a ballroom, followed by a dance party at an indoor water park? Too bad that probably won’t become a regular thing, given what ended up going down. But they can’t take this away from us: Elsewhere in the Poconos, there’s a magical place where at least one of the rooms is equipped with a heart-shaped swimming pool and a seven-foot-tall Whirlpool shaped like a champagne flute.
Not going to lie: I’ve always wanted to go to Cove Haven Resort to experience the closest thing America has to a Tokyo love motel, but, for better or worse, a night there would cost more than just my dignity (the champers room is $469 without a discount). Not to mention, Yelpers describe the 58-year-old lodge’s carpeting as “skeevy” and just plain “ewwww.” Thankfully, Ada Calhoun, author of St. Marks Is Dead, braved the stray pubes and scoped the place out for us, in a story for Elle. By the end of her rounds of mirrored lovemaking and mini-golf, she actually found herself sad to leave the place.
Ah, but she and her husband, performer Neal Medlyn, will always have this to remember it by: Medlyn’s comic-rap alterego, Champagne Jerry, made a music video that took full advantage of the champagne-tower jacuzzi, fireplace, faux-star lighting, and circular bed. (You may remember Medlyn from the St. Marks Is Dead book party, when he performed punk covers with his friends Kathleen Hanna, Ad-Rock, Bridget Everett, and others.)
“People are always like, ‘Do you actually like champagne?’” he raps. “Um, whoa, yeah, dummy, I literally do like champagne.” No one will doubt that ever again.
Play the video and watch for the part where Champagne Jerry trips over a dildo, presumably purchased from Cove Haven’s gift shop.