(Flyer via Dave Hill and Trish Nelson)

(Flyer via Dave Hill and Trish Nelson)

“It might just be crazy enough to work,” mused Dave Hill, the comedian and author who’s now embarking on his second venture in “alt” romantic encounters. It’s Speed Metal Dating, happening this weekend at Saint Vitus!

It’s likely that you know Hill from his Monday night WFMU show The Goddamn Dave Hill Show, or perhaps you recognize him from his Comedy Central appearances and brief bits on Inside Amy Schumer (Hill also has a new book coming out May 10, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore). But it’s also A-OK to admit that you recognize Dave Hill from Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, the comedian’s original North Brooklyn dating event at the Black Rabbit aimed at rabid fans of the Smiths and Morrissey.

Back when it started in 2009, NY Mag wrote that the event brought in “60 of the most awkward people in New York,” before the bar had to start turning people away, including one girl with a Smiths tattoo. As it turned out, “putting Morrissey’s face on a flyer for a singles event is the female hipster equivalent of offering free beer and game balls to Jets fans.”

Well, let’s just say that, seven years later, Speed Metal Dating could prove to be the metal-hipster equivalent of dangling free diabetes test strips that double as Arby’s coupons in front of a Trump rally. Prepare yourself for a stampede of lustrous locks, tattoos, and cut-off band t-shirts– it’s gonna be a long night of unadulterated babe.

Oh, and, “Darkthrone is gonna play at the end,” Dave said. Yeah right.

Practically speaking, this Speed Metal Dating is exactly what it sounds like: metal fans of all stripes will convene at the city’s metal-ist metal bar, where Hill (also a metal fan) will preside over the rotations. Match-ups could bring bestial black metal fans together with doom metal devotees and make for gore grind and stoner metal smashups. Hell, we might even see a gothic-symphonic-metal/industrial-metal baby nine months down the line. Seriously, anything could happen at speed dating.

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Hill promises to play the heaviest soundtrack he can possibly muster. “It won’t just be speed metal, to clarify,” Hill told me. “It’ll be many different types of metal, all awesome metal– I won’t play any shitty metal. Only good metal will be played. I don’t wanna knock any bands, but there won’t be any Five Finger Death Punch.” 

If you’ve grown weary of constant Tindering (which, let’s be real, can result in too many anonymous bones and not enough long walks on the beach), Speed Metal Dating will offer all of Tinder’s brevity (“we’ll just let people have a few minutes to get to know each other,” Hill explained) while also giving you the radical opportunity to speak with someone face-to-face before signing yourself up for the mess of agreeing to go on an actual date with them.

Hill admitted that he’s never used Tinder, but thinks that even speed dating (which, in a way, was the gimmicky precursor to fast left-swiping when it was developed by a Beverly Hills-based Orthodox rabbi in the late ’90s) offers the chance for a realer experience. “I think it’s an opportunity to actually meet people and meet them not in a superficial way, and it’s cool now, because people often don’t meet in-person,” Hill said. “So speed dating is like real life, but just in a little, manageable dose. Maybe you think that, on sight, ‘That person is not the one for me,’ but then you talk to them and realize, ‘Oh my god, we both love Dio-era Black Sabbath, this is my dream date.’ Or whatever.'”

Even if this whole dating thing seems like a silly spectator sport you’d much rather watch than engage in, or if you just think that hetero dating practices are in general pretty silly, Hill encourages people who aren’t participating in the actual speeding to come hang out, listen to some sick metal tunes, and have some drinks. After all, the event is 100 percent free for daters and non-daters alike.

“Unlike with traditional speed dating, we’re open to whatever chaos comes along eventually,” Hill explained. “Because usually as the night wears on and people keep drinking, they’ll sneak off to make out in the bathroom or whatever or leave together, who knows? Or maybe some people will be really frustrated and get tired of it and just go have a drink. So we’re up for whatever.”

Speed Metal Dating is happening Sunday April 10, 7:30 pm at Saint Vitus in Greenpoint. To register, send your name to speedmetaldating@gmail.com or follow the ticket link. Free to attend and to date.