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From zombies to Bigfoot to the mayor of Williamsburg, an array of colorful characters will alight in the East Village when Frigid Festival opens Feb. 18 — but none quite as colorful (i.e. red) as Beelzebub. During “An Evening of Not-So-Quiet Despair with Satan,” the Prince of Darkness promises to spew secrets in a manner that’s “so offensive that God himself intervenes.” We asked director Brian “BZ” Douglas whether Satan might have time to play “21 Questions,” Daily Intel-style. He invited us to his lair for a fireside chat; we said e-mail would do just fine.
Name: Satan
Age: Beyond your reckoning
Neighborhood: Currently Harlem (God was rooming with me until recently – it turns out that though we can still work together we just can’t live together)
Occupation: Consultant
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
The mad Dutchman who gives a disturbing architectural tour in an early H.P. Lovecraft story.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
It may have been grilled octopus at a Greek restaurant in Queens. I no longer eat octopi, since they are more virtuous than most humans.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
I tell people not to do the wicked things they are thinking about doing – not that that stops them.
What was your first job in New York?
Explaining to those Dutch traders that they were only buying the rights to use Manhattan, not the land itself with that crap they gave the Native Americans. They were scrupulous, compassionate and ethical and gave my advice due consideration before screwing over the inhabitants.
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
The only thing I ever saw on Broadway was Les Mis. I saw it for free. That was way too much money.
Do you give money to panhandlers?
I used to, but I myself am a poor devil.
What’s your drink?
Jameson’s neat, when I can afford it. Otherwise, The Poor Devil’s Drink – Tecate.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
Often. I don’t think aborted fetuses are available on Seamless yet. Mind you, I am vehemently opposed to the practice (they’re the only souls I don’t get) but they are tasty and I hate to see them go to complete waste.
What’s your favorite medication?
Low-fat, raspberry-flavored Stonyfield yogurt.
What is the best thing in or about your apartment?
Myself, and that’s not saying much, but I am actually saying that about the whole planet.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen on the subway?
A quiet and respectful evangelist who didn’t waste trees by giving out tracts.
When was the last time you stayed out past 3 a.m.?
Last Wednesday at Bizarre Bar for Matthew Silver’s Circus of Dreams.
Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
I’m actually opposed to decadence, perversion and depravity, so naturally I prefer the old Times Square.
What do you think of Mayor de Blasio?
He ran on a campaign of a tale of two cities. Once in charge, he hired the architect of “Stop and Frisk” in New York as his police commissioner. He then backed this commissioner in his “Broken Windows Policy” which, as the NYPD has recently proved by their “work slowdown,” is a tax on the disenfranchised who can’t find decent paying jobs in a city where the rent is being driven up by global speculators who don’t even live in the luxury apartments they own.
Furthermore, he supports this commissioner in his plans to create a 320-member machine-gun-toting force (I dub them the Empire State Storm Troopers) to strike terror in the hearts of terrorists and peaceful protestors alike (yes, I know about the backlash and how the machine guns will have to be left in the police cars during demonstrations — a handy thing for a non-government sponsored terrorist to know, if any still exist.) On top of this Mayor de Blasio is in favor of the commissioner’s desire to make resisting arrest a felony. This will allow the police who in the past used this charge just to cover their own over-zealousness to now imprison any one they want with the added bonus of beating the living shit out of them.
Elite overseers, armed guards and hapless slaves will make de Blasio’s New York a tale of one concentration camp.
So naturally, I LOVE this guy!!!
What do you hate most about living in New York?
Idiots who don’t know to keep on the right.
If you could banish one person from New York forever, who would it be?
Taylor Swift, but she can still be New York’s official ambassador.
When’s the last time you drove a car?
Since I do not currently possess a valid Driver’s License, I shall plead the Fifth.
Finish this sentence: The NYPD _____.
kicks ass; and soon they may be able to put you in prison for it.
Times, Post, or Daily News?
AM New York. I refuse to pay to be lied to.
Where do you go to be alone?
None of your fucking business. I couldn’t guarantee I’d be alone then, could I?
What makes someone a New Yorker?
A tolerance for stress, adversity and weird people. This won’t help you in Hell though, as you’ll all be cooped up in a simulation of Boca Raton.
“An Evening of Not-So-Quiet Despair with Satan,” Feb. 19, 22, 24, 27, and March 6 at UNDER St. Marks, 94 St. Marks Pl., bet. First Ave. and Ave. A, East Village; tickets $9-16