(Photo: Lauren Carol Smith)

(Photo: Lauren Carol Smith)

Can we talk about Swagg Man for a momo?

Don’t worry, we didn’t know who Swagg Man was either until we saw a blinged-out mofo with a Louis Vuitton head tattoo dining with an entourage at Han Joo on St. Marks Place. After sneaking the photo you see here, we googled “Louis Vuitton head tattoo” and found out he’s a Paris-based Brazilian-Tunisian rapper who claims to be a millionaire, rides a Lambo and a Bentley, wears Versace but spells it Versacey, and has “Every Day Is My Birthday” etched across his forehead.

And yet where does the man who’s lyrics go “I’m rich and you’re poor / I’m beautiful and you’re ugly” dine when he’s in NYC? Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. (actual quote: “Damnn, bro, Bubba Gump!). Maybe it’s a nod to his humble origins: Swagg says he was homeless for a while and did a few years in the clink on drug and weapons charges, though he insists his riches come from legit business. The nature of that business is a mystery: he doesn’t seem to have a record deal or any U.S. press, but somehow he has over 36,000 Twitter followers. The more we learn about Swagg Man, the more convinced we become that he’s the most absurd human being alive. Here’s why.

1. He filmed himself getting a Louis Vuitton head tattoo.

2. Among his 300-ish other tats (which supposedly cost over $270,000) are the following:

  • a Pokémon on one side of his arm and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on the other
  • a “Money” tattoo featuring a hundo smoking a spliff
  • red lipstick marks on his face
  • the Illuminati pyramid
  • a Lamborghini insignia
  • his own face, above his nipple
  • a nekkid woman, obvi
  • “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” across his fingers

3. He taunts “haterzzz” by burning money and then filming his Louis Vuitton gear (including his man purse) for 5 minutes straight. 

4. Whether speaking Portuguese, French or Tunisian, he drops “bro” into every other sentence. “Naturellement, bro!”

5. He uses the n-word liberally while licking the bottom of his Air Jordans.

6. He dropped 50,000 pounds (about $82,000) icing out his own name

7. On Facebook, he shows off his Reebok Pumps one second and his Louis Vuitton guns the next.

Swagg Man

Swagg Man’s Facebook

8. He says “Dig this right here, man” and burns 1,000 Euro in the street

9. He picks his nose and then flicks the booger onto a gilded Lamborghini necklace.

10. He pens love letters to (and gets bitchslapped by) his pitbull, Swaggy Doggy.

“My Swaggy doggy,” he writes in French, on Facebook. “Oh pretty baby. My god how I miss you my little insect. I will be in your arms in one and a half months. Haha. I miss you to death and I swear to you I have never thought so much about you and it’s as if you were here with me. I love you Swaggy Doggy. We are going to make up for all the lost time. I love your foolishness. I miss your 15 minutes of craziness and your snoring like a child. I also love you like crazy until paradise. I love you. Your papa.”

11. This is how he hash-tags pretty much all of his posts.
Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 1.21.52 PM

12. He wears a Superman cap, undies, and chain because he considers himself the “hero of his generation.”

13. And yet French girls mistake him for Lil Wayne.

Translation by Natalie Rinn and Mel Bailey