The answer came to us when we spotted a bunch of paparazzi milling around outside the Bowery Hotel this morning. We see these guys all the time, but we’ve never thought about getting in on the action. This time, however, we asked them who they were waiting for. Was it Yeezus? Hova? Or could it be Solange, fresh off her laundromat tour of Brooklyn?
Nuh-uh. According to a bearded man sporting a camera the size of our upper thigh, the celeb was “some dude called Robin Thicke.”
As in hashtag #Thicke? As in, “Robin Thicke has a big dick?” As in, our favorite son of Growing Pains patriarch Alan Thicke!? (Sorry, Brennan).
Why, this was far better than anything we could have hoped for. We’ve loved Robin Thicke for as long as we can remember, or at least, since we first heard of him back when “Blurred Lines” debuted in March. As devoted listeners of the song of the summer, we couldn’t miss a chance to stalk our favorite blue-eyed R&B crooner and naked-lady aficionado. So off we ran to get our camera, fresh off our Girls stalking high – ready to play paparazzi.
Bad news, dear readers: by the time we returned, Mr. Thicke had come and gone, leaving only a trail of broken hearts, angry feminists and slightly moist thong panties in his wake (not literally — we don’t think).
Had we missed our big shot? Would we ever attain our dream of becoming the Us Weekly of hyperlocal news blogs, or were we destined to toil in SEO obscurity? We spoke to a fellow paparazzo, lounging casually on a motorcycle across the street from the hotel, to ask if there was anyone else who might be worth stalking.
“There’s always celebrities at the Bowery Hotel,” he told us. So we pitched our proverbial tent and waited.
And waited some more.
Fuck, nobody told us being paparazzi was so boring, we thought, after beating another really hard level of Candy Crush.
It wasn’t until at least an hour and a half of posting up outside the hotel that we finally had our paparazzi moment. We confess, we weren’t exactly sure who we were snapping, other than we knew that our fellow paparazzi were snapping, so we should snap too. However, upon further review we are pretty sure that it was the guy from Shaun of the Dead. How many medium height red-head males that can afford the Bowery Hotel are there anyway?
So, verdict on our second day as a paparazzi. Sightings: Robin Thicke: 0. Guy from Shaun of the dead: 1. Stilettoed girls at Gemma who really wish they were celebrities? Countless.
Not bad for a newbie, right?