Now that you’ve read the with Ashley Cardiff, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, I’m in my 20s and all about North Brooklyn, too! How can I write a memoir. Ashley’s here to show you how.

Note: those kittens are more than just cute.

Note: those kittens are more than just cute.

So you’ve just graduated from a small liberal arts college — English major, art history minor — and the only way you can realize your ambitions of being a successful writer is paying some outlandish Brooklyn rents. Granted, you’re all of 22, have lived in no discernibly interesting way and haven’t even gained enough distance from your adult relationships to analyze them with any clarity. Most offensive of all, you’re a lady (people don’t really get outraged at dudes for writing about themselves).

…Lucky for you, though, you’re young, look great in selfies, and you’re more than willing to churn out 3,000 words about your first threesome. For those ladies who relish confessional writing as much as they love spending $12 on a jar of pickles — here’s a helpful guide from one twentysomething female writer to another.

First, find an apartment
There are only a few neighborhood options for a hip, young upstart memoirist. The Lower East Side is in Manhattan, so that’s out. Williamsburg is prohibitively expensive (and “turning into Murray Hill,” a sentiment you don’t understand but recognize as pejorative). That leaves rapidly gentrifying Greenpoint and Bushwick — you’ve read the comment threads on enough food blogs to know Bushwick is terrifying, so you settle on Greenpoint. Sure, you’re moving there post-Girls, but be annoyed with the whole thing anyway.

Get a job in publishing
If it weren’t for those checks from Mom and Dad, you’d never be able to survive on an editorial assistant’s salary. Make sure to complain about your tenuous financial situation to all your friends who actually support themselves. And tell them you envy their freedom.

Go shopping at Beacon’s Closet
How the hell did you move to Brooklyn without a goddamn romper?!

Go shopping at Jumelle
You can’t fill out a wardrobe on thrift store finds alone — but you can tell people that this flounced emerald silk Isabel Marant top is “vintage.”

Think about writing your memoir at Blue Bottle
Shop for laptops on your iPhone while enjoying an ice-cold New Orleans.

Jump on the L and buy a laptop at the Apple store.
Manhattan is so stressful! While you’re near Chelsea Market, duck into Anthropologie to pick up some quirky, feminine home wares — but you must never tell a soul. Once you’ve brought your new MacBook Air home (along with a $25 tea cup and some super cute votive lanterns!) find the nearest bar.

Drink away your “angst” at The Ides
You overheard some Danish tourists talking about the Wythe Hotel’s scene-y rooftop bar; Danish people are easily four years ahead of Brooklyn on most stuff, so you go.

Wake up with a hangover and go to Five Leaves
Ease off said hangover by “brunching” alongside other people who use brunch as an adjective at this staggeringly popular Bedford Ave cafe. Outdoor seating or nothing.

Get a tattoo at East River
Ever since that Intro to French Lit class in college, you’ve wanted a tattoo in French (which you don’t speak, obviously). Something scrawled in your own handwriting. Something that represents you but also subtly broadcasts how interesting you are. Walk out with flaneuse in delicate cursive on your left forearm.

Splurge on dinner someplace chic, like Antica Pesa
All this living has made you very hungry — mill around for an hour or two outside this Williamsburg hotspot, hoping to get a table (or just see an Olsen twin).

Actually have dinner at Café de la Esquina
Finally conclude that Antica Pesa just isn’t the scene for you — skulk over to La Esquina, where you spend $50 on tacos but feel much more authentic.

Take the day off at Transmitter Park
Treat yourself to some quality solo time at this excellent little park with stunning Manhattan views. Of course, you can’t just show up with a sandwich — you’ll need some cool indie provisions.

Get another fancy cup of coffee, picnic sundries at Champion, Eastern District
You could easily afford a bigger place nearer to the L or G if you stopped drinking all these $5 lattes. Put the thought to rest immediately; even if you kicked the latte habit, how could you resist all of these microbatch jams?!

Actually do some writing in your sunlight-flooded two bedroom apartment on Franklin Street.
You’ve lived so much life!

Brunch again at Brooklyn Label
Reward yourself for all that self-mythologizing with a delicious mimosa.