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Here’s to hoping you took this past weekend to cram your butt, beach umbrellas, and coolers full of malt liquor onto the A train, also known as the Express Train to Beach Salvation. Lord knows nearly all of Brooklyn decided this was the way to go. I’ve got the bite marks to prove it. If you didn’t get your Rockaway kicks in along with the rest of us, chances are you’re gonna miss out big time on a weekend of epic gigs on the horizon. Trust us, this is the time to play hooky, because how else are you possibly going to realize your Best Summer Ever without skipping out on your earthly responsibilities? You’ve really dug yourself a hole, haven’t you? Here are the shows happening this week that’ll get you out of it.

Wolf Eyes, Blazer Sound System

The last time we saw Wolf Eyes it was in the cavernous depths of 285 Kent when the place was in the midst of its death rattles. It was the perfect environs for the Michigan-born death noise band, as cold, dark, and dank as a Detroit warehouse party, the natural habitat for this particular brand of Trip Metal (TM).

That’s why it’s hard to picture how we’re going to grapple with the heaping portion of sensory dissonance that is a Wolf Eyes show happening at North Brooklyn’s most notorious meat market. As part of its backyard Summer Thunder series, Union Pool will provide the backdrop for a sunny afternoon replete with punishing noise.

But wait, perhaps we’ve mentioned this before, but we’ll say it again — nay, we’ll sing it to the heavens: this show is free as hell. Meaning you’d be a dummy to spend your Saturday sleeping in and risk getting trapped in the refrigerator section of the meat market, if you catch our drift. Saturday, July 18, 2 pm at Union Pool: FREE

Trip Metal Inzane All-Starz, Dogleather, Couch Slut

If for some reason you can’t get out of bed Saturday afternoon, we have reason to believe that mysterious headliners Trip Metal Inzane All-Starz, playing at Aviv on Saturday night, are in fact Wolf Eyes under cover of darkness. So if you trust us on this one, maybe you’ll get to see Wolf Eyes play in a more genre appropriate setting. And hey, you won’t have to risk finding yourself on the meat market’s chopping block, so to speak, if you choose DIY venue over bar show.

Also, if Aviv is your poison of choice, you’ll be treated to the moonlight sonatas of metalic noise-rock outfit Couch Slut. We’re fans enough of female-fronted scream noise, but Dog Leather warrants more than a nod of the head. This fancy combo, a rare blend of DJ Dog Dick and Sewn Leather, amps out some seriously anxiety-inducing noise, dripping with enough horror film sound effects to keep us staring into space for days. Saturday, July 18, 8 pm at Aviv: $10 

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Tropical Goth presents: Publicist, Shredder

So usually we’re not much for DJs, but we break our own rules when they’re actually getting those knobs turnt. And we extra break our rules when we think something super rad is gonna be popping at Elvis Guest House. There’s a dance party going down presented by Tropical Goth, which means it’s gonna get freakin’ sweaty in there, guys. Thankfully the place resembles a giant bath tub, so we don’t think anyone will much mind.

Ultimate Goth Guide proto-pioneered “tropical goth” way back in 2011, but it wouldn’t be until years later that Brooklyn caught up with the blogosphere. A couple of Bossa Nova’s live-in DJs branched out to start their own series, Tropical Goth, that so far has thrown some nasty parties (see: one last month at TBA). They’ve certainly proven they can fill up large venues, but can they keep the festivities quality in a small-quantity space? We’re gonna go with probz. See: Publicist, bringer of minimalist house, dark techno vibes and Shredder, which reigns over the night with their caught-in-the-machine, straight up Satanic disco nightmares. Bring your riding crop, this one’s gonna get buck. Thursday, July 16, 10 pm at Elvis Guest House: Free? 

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L.O.T.I.O.N., Murderer, Aspects of War, Sadist, Mommy 

Wanna be where all the cool hardcore kids will be this weekend? Legit a grand lineup of who’s who in NYC hardcore and punk right now is taking over Silent Barn on Saturday night to honor the release of L.O.T.I.O.N.’s (members of Dawn of Humans and Nomad, duh) new LP on Toxic State, Digital Control and Man’s Obsolescence. Judging by their previous release, it’s going to be some dissonant, evil-ass, earbud-shredding stuff.

No lighter on the nasty is Murderer, a band that we’re a little less familiar with. But their brand of stompy punk is a nice counterpoint to Mommy, a band that we’ve been looking for another excuse to go see since they made their killer appearance at Palisades a couple of months back. Saturday, July 18, 8 pm at Silent Barn: $10 

Generationalpictomusicapolis

Generationalpictomusicapolis: No Age, Sun Foot, Devin Gary & Ross 

Ok so perhaps you can’t play hooky after all and you’re just going to have to combine your beach day with your show-going plans. Don’t worry your pretty little head, because you won’t be sacrificing on either end if you check out Generationalpictomusicapolis, a one-off art and music event happening this Friday in Coney Island at the newly renovated Surf Pavilion.

So you’ve definitely heard of No Age, the noise rock duo that’s quelled their propensity for racket in lieu of some buttered-up, sun-drenched burners that are perfect for a lazy day at the beach. Their last full-length dropped more than a full year ago, but just for this tour they’ve put together some unreleased instrumentals and three new demos on, wait for it, a brilliantly titled CD-R, Barely Mixed, No Master.

They’ll be joined by Devin Gary & Ross (easy listening psych) and the Portland-based weirdos of Sun Foot. For all you people who like to buy limited-edition stuff, there are going to be some rare prints n’ such created by the participating bands for sale. Friday, July 17, 7 pm at Surf Pavilion, Coney Island: $12 in advance, $15 at the door