By now you’ve heard about Moby rubbing his dick on Donald Trump. But Trump is far from the only celebrity name-checked in the musician’s new memoir, Then It Fell Apart. The follow-up to Porcelain— in which Moby documented his younger years as a sober, Christian vegan– recounts the rise and fall of Moby’s superstardom, starting with the unexpected worldwide success of Play in 1999 and ending with his realization, nearly a decade later, that maybe pounding an estimated 100 drinks per week (all while regularly doing cocaine, ecstasy, and all the rest) wasn’t such a hot idea. After all, when you’re falling asleep on threesomes and you don’t know whose feces you woke up covered in, it’s probably time to reexamine things.
Given that Moby was in the habit of staying at $3,000-a-night hotel suites and lived in a five-terrace “castle in the sky” off of Central Park, you can imagine he was keeping good company when he wasn’t slumming it at Lit, 205 Club, The Box, Sway, Lucky Strike, Don Hill’s, and any number of strip clubs. (There was the Times Square one where he was attacked by a stripper for doing all of her coke, and the West Side Highway one that he got kicked out of.) Sure enough, his memoir is packed with so many boldface names that it sometimes reads like a non-fiction version of Bret Easton Ellis’s Glamorama. (To be fair, all the jet-setting is broken up with heartrending flashbacks to a very troubled childhood.) The book doesn’t have an index, so here’s our comprehensive list of every celebrity Moby crosses paths with, roughly in order of appearance.
Natalie Portman – tells Moby she loves his album and briefly dates him
Joe Perry from Aerosmith – tells Moby he loves his album
Steven Tyler – tells Moby his date, Natalie Portman, is “so hot”
Donatella Versace – gives Moby a silk Versace suit
Madonna – cheers for Moby while dancing with Gwyneth Paltrow and Natalie Portman at a Versace party, is later his penthouse neighbor in Barcelona
Ewan McGregor – parties with Moby in Melbourne
Russell Crowe – inexplicably berates Moby in a restroom
Liam Gallagher – likes Moby’s song “Natural Blues”
Joe Strummer – parties with Moby in Somerset, dances to Donna Summer with Moby in New York and yells “I love you, Moby!”
Richard Branson – introduces Moby to Mick Jagger at a party
Mick Jagger – gives Moby a “dead-fish handshake” at a party and leaves him to flirt with Sophie Dahl
Sophie Dahl – shares the VIP balcony with Moby at a party
Goldie Hawn – shares the VIP balcony with Moby at a party
Kurt Russell – shares the VIP balcony with Moby at a party
Kate Hudson – shares the VIP balcony with Moby at a party
Bono – hangs out with Moby at Sway, tells him he loved his Animal Rights album
Michael Stipe – hangs out with Moby at Sway
Salman Rushdie – hangs out with Moby at Sway, tells him he’s “lovely” (also blurbed his first memoir, Porcelain)
John Lydon – comes backstage to thank Moby for the free tickets
Kyle MacLachlan – comes backstage to thank Moby for the show
Morrissey – comes backstage to ask Moby to consider producing his next album
Christina Ricci – dances to Moby’s music and goes back to his room
David LaChapelle – parties with Moby at the Standard in New York
Peter Hook – tears up when he plays a Joy Division song with Moby
John Taylor from Duran Duran – hangs backstage with Moby
Charlize Theron – hangs backstage, warns Moby that Andy Dick is trying to poop on his vegan end-of-tour cake
Andy Dick – tries to poop on Moby’s vegan end-of-tour cake; offers Moby a champagne bottle filled with pee; gets kicked out of a strip club with Moby; has an orgy on Moby’s bed
Billy Corgan – plays a Joy Division song with Moby and members of New Order
John Frusciante from Red Hot Chili Peppers – plays a Joy Division song with Moby and members of New Order
Bruce Willis – parties with Moby at Lot 61
Ben Stiller – parties with Moby at Lot 61
Donald Trump – gets unwittingly “knob-touched” by Moby’s flaccid penis at a party
Dick Cheney – Moby turns down an invitation to meet him at the closing ceremony of the 2002 Winter Olympics
Willie Nelson – is backstage with Moby at the 2002 Winter Olympics
Jon Bon Jovi – is backstage with Moby at the 2002 Winter Olympics
Gene Simmons – calls Moby a “powerful and attractive man”
Christina Aguilera – is backstage with Moby at the 2002 Winter Olympics
Donnie and Marie Osmond – introduce Moby’s performance at the 2002 Winter Olympics
Gary Coleman – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Todd Bridges – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Kato Kaelin – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Vern Troyer – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Dave Navarro – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Tommy Lee – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Sean Bean – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Corey Feldman – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Angelyne – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
Bob Evans – appears in the video for Moby’s “We Are All Made of Stars”
David Bowie – lives across from Moby; plays “Heroes” with Moby in Moby’s apartment, invites him to dinner with Iman, Lou Reed, and Laurie Anderson
Iman – hosts Moby as a dinner guest
Dennis Hopper – spent election night in 2000 with Moby
Lou Reed – seems to like Moby; has dinner with him at David Bowie’s apartment
Laurie Anderson – sees Moby often at fundraisers and art openings
Matt Groening – attends opening party for Moby’s Lower East Side cafe, Teany
Norah Jones – attends opening party for Moby’s Teany
Claire Danes – attends opening party for Moby’s Teany
Charlie Rose – interviews Moby
Tommy Lee – gives Moby a bear hug backstage
Vinnie Paul and Dimebag Darrell from Pantera – take Moby to their Dallas strip club
Robert Smigel – asks Moby to do a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bit at the VMAs
Eminem – hates Moby, tells him “You’re dead” at the VMAs; calls Moby “that little Moby girl” and tells the VMA crowd “I will hit a man with glasses”
Jack and Meg White – sit behind Moby at the VMAs
Julian Casablancas – meets Moby at an East Village bar
Andre 3000 – declines to collaborate with Moby because “too many people are hating on you right now”
P. Diddy – is Moby’s penthouse neighbor in Barcelona and invites him to a villa party
Thurston Moore, Kim Gordon, and Lee Ranaldo from Sonic Youth – hang out at Teany
Gus Van Zandt – has tea at Moby’s café, Teany
Ben Affleck – has tea at Moby’s café, Teany
Matt Damon – has tea at Moby’s café, Teany
Joaquin Phoenix – has tea at Moby’s café, Teany
Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal – have tea at Moby’s café, Teany
Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville – party with Moby before he blacks out from 15 or 20 vodka shots
Vladimir Putin’s daughter – tells Moby she likes his music
Adam Clayton from U2 – runs into Moby in the elevator of the El Dorado, where Moby has a five-balcony triplex
Alec Baldwin – is Moby’s neighbor in the El Dorado
Ron Howard – is Moby’s neighbor in the El Dorado
Donna Summer – meets Moby at a party attended by the Bloombergs, the LeFraks, the Trumps, the Kleins, the Sulzbergers
David Lynch – invites Moby to his meditation weekend in Iowa, brings Moby some soup
Heather Graham – invites Moby to hear David Lynch talk
Public Enemy – works with Moby
MC Lyte – works with Moby
Busta Rhymes – works with Moby
Nas – works with Moby
Richard LeFrak – hosts Moby at his birthday party
Michael Bloomberg – attends Richard LeFrak’s birthday party, where Moby is also a guest
Ivanka Trump – talks to Moby at “one of the most exclusive” galas “in the Manhattan social calendar”
Jared Kushner – talks to Moby at “one of the most exclusive” galas “in the Manhattan social calendar”
Joe Lieberman – attends a gala where Moby is also a guest
The Rockefellers – attend a gala where Moby is also a guest
The Hilfigers – attend a gala where Moby is also a guest
Jonathan Ames – attends Moby’s Christmas party, where Moby “lovingly” throws a knife at him
Hillary Clinton – chats with Moby at a fundraiser in the San Remo
Darryl McDaniels from Run-DMC – knows Moby from back in the day
Fareed Zakaria – buys Moby’s beachfront property in the Dominican Republic
Debbie Harry – has a performance interrupted by Moby asking the audience for drugs
John Waters – says Moby’s band Little Death is “like Ike and Tina Turner, minus the beatings”
Kirsten Gillibrand – looks horrified when Moby tells a crowd of donors that Republicans are “fucking subhuman devils and need to be fucking destroyed.”