(Flyer via Spectacle)

Unkissed Bride 
Saturday April 22, 10 pm at Spectacle: $5 

OK, before you LMFAO at the premise of this Jack Harris film, put yourself in the shoes of either Ted or Margi, the young couple who find out on their honeymoon (of course) that there’s a roadblock standing in the way of (early) marital bliss. Like, that blows. Especially for such a young couple, because for the most part isn’t it true that marriage–am I pronouncing that right? may-raj…? mar-ridge..?–these days either ends in de jure divorce (courthouses, lawyers, and custody battles, etc.) or de facto divorce (separate beds, six-month yoga retreats, and the like).

So what’s the problem, you might be wondering. Well, at the mere “suggestion of nursery rhymes” poor Ted comes down with a raging case of Erectile Dysfunction. Hilariously, Spectacle writes of Unkissed Bride (another masterful effort by one Jack Harris, the legendary late movie sci-fi/horror producer screening at Spectacle as part of their tribute series, 98 Years): “It may seem like that’s an easy thing to avoid, but no matter how our randy paramours try, Mother Goose is always there to block the proverbial shot.”

If you think about it, the whole thing serves as a potent warning of the dangers of chastity–like c’mon figure this stuff out before you jump the broom. Probably Betsy DeVos should consider establishing a universal sex-ed cirruculum that requires a double-header screening of Unkissed Bride following Twilight as a way to warn kids that 1) vampire sex does not necessarily equal great doinking and actually sometimes means no bonking at all, and 2) chastity equals pain and suffering later on in life. (See: Tommy and Margi. I mean Ted. Sorry Ted.)

Risk
Friday May 5 through Thursday May 11 at IFC Center: $15

Okay, so technically this film hasn’t been released yet, and it won’t screen at IFC Center till May 5, but it’s probably a great idea to buy tickets right now if you’re interested, because this brand new feature from activist/dissident/American ex-pat/documentary filmmaker Laura Poitras is too hot to trot.

If you’re anything like me, you’re hoping so hard right now that this particular film doesn’t follow in the footsteps of Poitras’s last film Citizen Four–in which we met an exceedingly nerdy, but somewhat endearing, Edward Snowden–at least in so far as that doc was set almost entirely inside the Hotel Mira in Hong Kong. It was tense, and certainly added to the feeling of paranoia, but dang did staring in the abyss of a blah corporate hotel room make for sore eyes.

Citizen Four also spawned hungry imaginations– Snowden is one thing, but what exactly does this WikiLeaks/NSA-ball-busting crew look like, on the ground and in action?

IFC says that Risk is a “portrait of power, betrayal, truth, and sacrifice” which focuses on Julian Assange– a complex, often infuriating, and yet slightly admirable person and supremely controversial figure: “Poitras finds herself caught between the motives and contradictions of Assange and his inner circle.” And “in a new world order where a single keystroke can alter history,” it might be hard to admit at times, but he’s a supremely powerful figure and it’s likely that we are only going to see more dissidents like him.


T2: Trainspotting Two
Wednesday April 19 through Thursday April 27 at Nitehawk: $14

It’s nothing short of unreal seeing the arrival of a sequel to Trainspotting– the junkie buddy comedy based on the novel by Irvine Welsch, starring Ewan McGregor as the irresistibly charming, bone-thin heroin-addicted heroine whose voiceover narration guides us through his gang’s misadventures in unarmed robbery, needle swapping, and nightmarish WDs.

In the sequel, with its ultra-ridiculous, Terminator-esque title, T2 Trainspotting, the gang’s all here (except that guy who died after breathing in far too many cat-poo fumes for a compromised immune system, RIP). Yup, they’re still in Scotland, aka “scum of the fucking Earth.” Time has gone by, sure– a whole lotta time actually, 20 dang years. But as the junkie’s curse would have it, not much has changed.

Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor) returns from exile in England. Sober as a cucumber, he finds his pals and understandably has some mixed feelings. “They are waiting for him: Spud (Ewen Bremner), Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller), and Begbie (Robert Carlyle). Other old friends are waiting too: sorrow, loss, joy, vengeance, hatred, friendship, love, longing, fear, regret, diamorphine, self-destruction and mortal danger, they are all lined up to welcome him, ready to join the dance.” Shimmy over to it, there’s no way this is gonna be bad.