BLACKMASS1Hold on to your hats, folks. You’re not going to believe what I just uncovered about Roberta’s. The pizzeria that hosted Bill and Hillary Clinton back in 2012 has a hidden lair that it calls its “tiki bar” (the letters in “tiki bar” also spell A RIB KIT) and they’re throwing a series of “parties” there starting “Friday, January 13.”

But what’s really interesting? Their first party is called BLACK MASS, and right there in the middle of the flyer is A GOAT!!!!! You might be asking yourself, “What do goats have to do with pizza? I didn’t order my pizza with goat cheese.” This could be a Satanic goat, but that would be too obvious. After all, if you’re trying to trap people in a witch house, you don’t put “WITCH HOUSE TRAP” right on the flyer. More likely, this is a false flag. Think about it for a second: Which book was George W. Bush reading on September 11, 2001? That’s right: MY PET GOAT. Is this a coded message from the Illuminati mocking the sheeple for not realizing that 9/11 was created inside of CERN to hasten the apocalypse????

Now look at this flyer for the BROTHERHOOD party. Is that goat blood on their faces? From drinking all the goat blood?

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Or maybe it’s something even worse. Check out the flyer for the HORROR DISCO party:

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The knife that’s being plunged into that sacrificial victim is EXACTLY THE SAME as the knife tattooed on the chest of the guy in the BROTHERHOOD flyer. SOMETHING IS FISHY HERE, AND IT’S NOT EXTRA ANCHOVY.

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Roberta’s tells us that the goal of this new party series is to “cultivate talent from within our restaurant and from the neighborhood we inhabit, and make sure everyone just has a good time and dances their ass off.” But let’s take another look at that. “CULT-ivate”?

Roberta’s says there’s no cover at these parties. Sure, unless you count THE COVER OF DARKNESS.

Quick note for readers who can’t tell real news from fake news: The stuff about Roberta’s throwing parties every Friday in January and February is real. All the other stuff is complete garbage.