EAST VILLAGE—God unsuccessfully attempted to wipe away an advertisement for Justin Bieber’s latest album today on the corner of Second Avenue and East 6th Street. The All-Knowing and All-Seeing Lord of the Universe pummeled the sidewalk with rain, apparently displeased that the stencil had been placed across the street from the site of the Fillmore East.
“They call themselves believers and yet see how they denigrate the Church of Rock N’ Roll!” God reportedly raged, before an assistant informed him that, actually, they’re called Beliebers.
“That is so stupid,” said The Master of All Things Seen and Unseen as he redoubled efforts to wash away the loathsome sidewalk stain, across from the site where legends like Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis performed actually-good music. “This is the real rain Travis Bickle was talking about!” raged the Wise and Generous Perpetuator of All Things, but to no avail. “Out, damned spot!”
Sources say The Good and Merciful Protector of Mankind considered unleashing a flood of Biblical proportions until he realized New Yorkers had already dealt with enough crappy weather and decided his efforts were better placed elsewhere. With that, he turned his attention to all the Bieber fans who lined up for a pop-up in Soho today. As of press time, Our Guy in the Sky had yet to deliver a righteous fireball from the heavens.
— MEFeater Magazine (@mefeater) May 4, 2016