Brace yourselves, upstanding citizens, Steampunk Weekend arrives this Friday, bringing with it a maelstrom of polyester fedoras, burlesque dancers, mustaches waxed with bee butt derived from animatronic wasps, forced Daniel Day Lewis diction, and yes, “extreme balloons.”

The safest way to contain this Renaissance outbreak is to abstain from any drinks containing absinthe and avoid the following events like the plague.

SteamPunkOGODAbsinthe Heroes
Friday July 11 at Drom, 85 Ave. A, nr. 6th St., East Village

Absinthe Heroes is described as a “Steampunk adventure,” starring a “bawdy” top-hat wearing, mustachioed musician Aurelio Voltaire. The musical’s promotional site warns, “Voltaire will be drinking.” We can only imagine he’ll also be ripping the bodices off busty ladies with a pair of hand welded, hydraulic brass finger tips.

Apparently this was “one of the first Steampunk musicals ever written.” If this turns out to be true, believe me dear readers, I’ll be the first to slap a heavy dose of cyanide on my tongue.

thedarkcircusThe Lost Circus
Saturday, July 12 from 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. at Irondale Center, 85 S Oxford St., nr. Lafayette Ave., Fort Greene

According to the event page, a “dark cabaret, traveling circus, steampunk Victorian, neo-tribal, funky formal, desert wanderer” dress code will be strictly enforced. This is also where “The Balloonatic” will be installed. And yep, the organizers have brought out the big guns– they’ve invoked Tim Burton. Perhaps best to avoid all of South Brooklyn for the evening, or risk getting swept up in this Vaudevillian lace-infested, ruddy-complexioned orgy. 

ughSteampunk Secret Speakeasy
Sunday, July 13, 6 p.m. at The Lofts at Prince, 177 Prince St, nr. Thompson St., Soho

Luckily this one is happening in SoHo, so we can’t imagine you’d be anywhere near this final act in a series of brutalities. But in case you have to run to the Apple store to replace a water-logged phone or something, be hasty with your departure lest you catch sight of this Steampunk gathering featuring “16mm movie & music fest & party! Drinks, music & beautiful visuals!” We’re guessing they’ll be throwing back tin mugs of switchel while accordions and brass instruments play over scenes from The Wild, Wild West starring Will Smith.