Last night, before screening 20 of the best shorts that have been submitted to his Hump! Film Festival since it launched in Seattle in 2005, Dan Savage warned against documenting the amateur porn flicks, which ranged from a vignette about a Dungeons & Dragons orgy to a celebration of Mormon masturbation to a NSFW trailer for a sequel to ET.

According to Savage, four “audience plants” were seated throughout Village East Cinemas, looking for anyone with cellphones in their hands. “We did have to take a phone last night from a woman who insisted she was only Snapchatting,” said the sex columnist/podcaster and Real Time with Bill Maher provocateur.

Despite all the warnings that phones would be confiscated and not returned, we managed to document some of Savage’s pre-screening Q&A, during which he answered questions like “Why is there no lesbian Grindr?” (“Because men and women are different that way; men are pigs, the end”), “In 20 years, will women be running the world?” (“I fucking hope so”), and “What’s the weirdest place you had sex?” (“The Vatican”).

For better or worse, Savage didn’t elaborate on that last one, merely joking, “I’m sure I’m the only gay guy who ever got laid in the Vatican.” (Someone please ask him about it during his upcoming Hump! Tour appearances.)

The answer that managed to shock the audience more than any of the films did (even the short that involved fireplay with a Taser) came in response to this: “What’s one of your most favorite crazy, fucked-up moments that you’ve witnessed?”

I was in West Berlin in 1989 and my German boyfriend (which my American boyfriend knew nothing about, but my German boyfriend) took me to a great big BDSM crazy sex party in a loft in East Berlin where they wheeled somebody out, strapped to a gurney, and they cut open his scrotum and took his balls out. [Audience freaks.] They didn’t cut his balls off, they just took them out for a minute and brandished them and then pushed them back in and sewed his scrotum up – all anesthesia free, just like the Germans like it.

Take that, !