The Definitive Guide to Ordering Weed Politely

Smoking weed is oft associated with “chilling” or “hanging out,” however there is a tendency to disregard the norms of social decency when obtaining it. This is likely due to the fact that weed is illegal and cannot be purchased at your local bodega.

There are innumerous ways in which both potheads and casual weed smokers act like total jerks on their quest to get stoned. We consulted with a weed dealer (who will remain anonymous for obvious reasons. We shall call him “Mr. Green”) to find out common weed ordering faux pas and how to rectify them.

If you abide by this simple code of conduct you can avoid pissing off your dealer or winding up in jail (we’re not sure which is worse).

STEP 1: MAKE CONTACT

Many are frightened about contacting drug dealers. Do I call? Do I text? Do I use code words like “green” or “stuff?”

Well first, you chill the fuck out because this is the easiest part.

“Texting is totally fine,” says Mr. Green. And no need to mess around with code words or opaque innuendo, your weed dealer is your weed dealer – just tell him or her to come by your place. They’ll probably know you aren’t inviting them over to play Xbox or talk about your feelings. (We live in New York, who goes to other people’s apartments if it isn’t to have sex or sell them drugs?)

STEP 2: PREPARE FOR THEIR ARRIVAL

Now pay attention, because here is where things have the greatest potential to go awry.

First, get your money ready. Nothing pisses off a weed dealer more than when they arrive at your apartment and you do not have the money ready to purchase the drugs they just delivered you. “Don’t be like, ‘I’ve gotta go to the ATM. Fuck that shit!” says Mr. Green. “You don’t go to a bar and order a beer and say, ‘I’ll be right back, I’ve gotta go get my money.’” In Mr. Green’s operation, there’s even a “3 strikes and you’re out” policy, and nothing is more upsetting or belittling than having to break up with your drug dealer.

Also, we lied; there is something worse than not having your money ready and it’s not actually being in your apartment when they get there. Yes, this is a thing that actually happens.

Now, we aren’t necessarily condoning this last one, but it comes courtesy of Mr. Green: “If a hot girl wants to wear something a little bit scandalous, that’s fine by us.”

STEP 3: MAKE THE TRANSACTION

This is probably the most harrowing part of the whole weed buying experience as it requires actual face-to-face contact with another human being. That’s right – weed dealers are humans just like you! Just ask Mr. Green. “We are human beings with emotions and feelings,” he says. “Sometimes people treat us like we aren’t people.”

Which brings us to our first point. Be nice! Look them in the eye. Smile. Say hello. Ask them how it’s going. Don’t talk on the phone the entire time. Don’t be weird and awkward. When you’re placing your order, say please and thank you.

If you feel the need to fill the deafening silence while your dealer is fetching your drugs from his backpack/briefcase/ underwear/shoe make small talk about the weather like you probably already do with every other stranger you interact with over the course of the day.

Speaking of weather, if there’s snow or rain or a zombie apocalypse, be extra nice. Maybe even offer a tip. Or just be nice, whatever.

Finally, say, “Thank you, have a good day,” as they exit, shut the door and roll yourself a fatty for a job well done.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: 

Asking your pothead friends for weed is not an alternative to adhering to the above guidelines. In case you don’t believe us, we asked a self-procliamed “professional pothead” and former dealer to verify.

“One thing that annoys the living shit out of me is people asking me for weed,” they said. “If I smoke out everyone who asks for a hit, I’d have no weed left ever and I’d be super broke.”

And before you even think it, offering them money doesn’t make it better.

“I don’t want to sell people $10 of my weed,” our Pothead told us. “I don’t want to have to call my dealer any sooner than necessary because I have someone who is too lazy to call a dealer part of my bag.” Adding: “Obvs if I offer someone weed, which I do all the time, that’s different.”

So there you have it – the gentleman’s (or gentlewoman’s) guide to ordering weed.

Before you go feeling sorry for being rude to your dealer all this time, you can find solace that at the end of the day, it isn’t really such a crappy gig.

“Some people treat us like we’re low level servants,” says Mr. Green. “But there’s a high chance that we make more money than you do.”