SantaCon wasn’t the only depraved holiday tradition to hit Manhattan this past weekend, thank goodness: John Waters brought his Christmas tour to Stage 48 on Friday. Sporting a jazzy, snazzy Comme des Garçons outfit that he wouldn’t let an audience member touch (she tried), the mini-mustachioed director of Female Trouble (playing at Nitehawk this week) jumped into stories about the late, great Divine, tackled hairy issues like the “pubic-hair generation gap” (“I went to court so you could see bush; now there isn’t any!”) and wasted no time crapping on one of his most oft-quoted lines (turns out Waters would fuck someone if they didn’t have books — as long as they were cute).
Toward the end of what was essentially an hour-long stand-up routine, the Pope of Trash told his audience what he’d give them for Christmas: a television special starring Kevin Federline, Levi Johnston, a chorus of Crackhead Carolers, and, of course, Justin Bieber (“Imagine if Michael Jackson had ever seen him. We’d know what he’d want for Christmas”). But before that, Waters told everyone what he wanted for Christmas. Here’s the list we compiled over the course of the show, if you want to send anything over to his mailbox at Atomic Books in Baltimore.
1. Andy Warhol’s old prescription bottle for Obetrol diet pills
2. Fassbinder’s unused roll-on deodorant
3. Mama Cass’s sandwich receipt
4. The cap Tennessee Williams choked on
5. Sylvia Plath’s gas and electric bill
6. A gig as the GPS voice in your car
“Turn left, stupid. Well, didn’t I tell you turn right, asshole? Go ahead, don’t follow my directions. Go ahead, get lost, motherfucker.”
7. A role in the next Chipmunks movie
Parents get nervous when they seem him alone at the Chipmunks movies because “they know that I’m sexually attracted to Alvin. I can’t help it… a lot of people want to fuck Alvin for Christmas.”
8. A star on the Walk of Fame
“I wouldn’t pay the annual $5,000 fee you have to pay for upkeep so they’d have to dig it up and take it back. So there’d be a gaping hole on Hollywood Boulevard that tourists would fall in and break their legs, and that would be my legacy in Hollywood.”
9. (When he’s dead) fans to fuck on his grave on Christmas Eve
Waters bought a double plot in what he likes to call “Disgraceland” and he wants fans to go dig up the bodies of his idols (like Pasolini, Genet or Benji the Dog) and bury them right next to him.
10. A rap-music Christmas album that isn’t just about “ex-poor people bragging to poor people that they are now rich.”
Sample lyrics: “Guns and bling, bitch / I got a new kind of rich / I’m tired of your hating / I’m buying you a Cy Twombly painting”
11. Funding for a National Enquirer-style tabloid for intellectuals called the National Brainiac
Michel Houellebecq Never Sends Christmas Cards
David Foster Wallace Will Never Open a Present Again [the one audience groan of the night] Joyce Carol Oates: “I’ve Never Eaten a Candy Cane.”
12. A nightclub in Baltimore called the Pelt Room
“We’d serve vinegar from a witch’s asshole. Our martinis would be warm with lots of vermouth. There’d be emergency room lighting, karaoke for white people, and a claw machine with outdated prescription drugs.”
“I talked about them so much that the head of the Rush company sent me a lifetime supply. What’s really embarrassing is: I’m almost out.”
14. A movie theater called Sinema 1
Offering an all-you-can-eat concession stand and no movie. There’d be separate-but-equal gay/straight water fountains, special buffer-seat seating for straight guys, and Bresson films in “minimalist 3D.”
15. Funding for an abortion film festival featuring flicks like 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days.
“Every Christmas Eve I watch it alone, dressed in the costumes, shouting out the dialogue like Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
16. Someone to upperdeck a toilet at the MPAA (for legal reasons, this was only a suggestion).
“Sometimes turd terrorism is necessary at Christmas.”