Last time we caught up with Eric Wareheim, he was chowing down with Aziz Ansari. We haven’t heard much about their Food Club since then, maybe because Aziz has been busy writing a book and, it turns out, so have Wareheim and Tim Heidecker. The cocreators of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! will launch the tome tomorrow at Wallplay.
Tim and Eric’s Zone Theory isn’t just any old self-help book. First off, it’s written expressly for men: the first thing we turned to when we cracked it open was an explicit two-page photo of a cock and balls and an invitation to “match your penis up” and send the photo to zonetheory.net for analysis.
But anyway, Zone Theory is one part PUA manual (it tells you how to find a Zone Wife – preferably one with a spaghetti set) and one part cult indoctrination pamphlet.
Apparently Zone Theory was inspired by a “turkey man” called Ba’hee Noadramoo Priss Dimmie, but don’t worry, you needn’t worship him to “hone your zones.” Tim “Nagrume” Heidecker (a weightlifter and poet) and Eric “Sharm” Wareheim (an artisanal glassblower who was born with three testicles) are more about helping you make friends by engaging in “adult horseplay” in Nude Recreation Centers, a map for which is handily provided. The “age-old question,” of course is whether to go masked or unmasked. For that, there’s a chart: a car wash is “no mask” situation, the chip n’ putt is “yes mask.”
Next, Zone Theory will teach you how to discard your family and create a Zone Family. Once you’ve found a suitable Zone Father (i.e. a white-haired man between the ages of 50 and 90) by sending a request to the Zone Center, you initiate the Head Touch Simple Connect Process. Needless to say, there are instructions for that.
But Zone Theory is so much more. It also teaches you how to make money by refurbishing batteries and investing in “o-shaped sandwich” franchises. The latter is a safe bet because “strange-shaped food creates confusion and generates impulse buying.” (Well, we definitely got excited about churro cups.)
Speaking of food, you’ll also learn how to maintain a soul-nourishing diet of white foods (“other colors signal hopelessness”) such as “simple white bread that has been steamed and doused in Zonus milk or Tabitha Lane-brand Lemon Urine Drink.”
Doesn’t sound any worse than a Master Cleanse, really. But maybe dousing bread in lemon urine drink isn’t for you? If that’s the case, you’ll probably want to skip the illustrated instructions for reading your diarreah using a spaghetti pot and a “D-talker machine” – one of the many Cinco-like products that are advertised in the book (others include Zone Theory cat litter and Zone Theory Food Kubes).
As if all that weren’t enough, there’s also advice on “how to smell yourself” and instructions for exercises in which you “allow your penis to grow until it reaches the ceiling.” They don’t teach you that one at Yoga For the People.
Finally, put your Zone Theory Reading Helmet on because poems are a big part of this, too. In addition to two sample “hamburger haikus,” Awesome Show fans will be delighted to find some poems by recurring character David Liebe Hart, who proves to be as singular a poet as he is a puppeteer (“Corn reminds me of porn,” he writes. “You can’t stop enjoying it. It makes you grow a big horn”).
To be honest, a lot this advice seems a little suspect. But we want to keep our minds open for the “healing event” at Wallplay tomorrow. Details are scant at this point, but this much can be gleaned from Nagrume and Sharm’s tweets: you’ll have to bring a book, a receipt for a pre-order, or buy a copy there to join in the healing/signing. The fun starts tomorrow, Tuesday, at 7pm at 118 Orchard Street.