(Photo: Daniel Maurer)

Fireworks over the Manhattan Bridge, at The Bean on Second Avenue. (Photo: Daniel Maurer)

Because the your pyrotechnic fun on this most sacred day, arguably defying the founding fathers’ true intentions, please be advised it’s probably best to toss out your mortars and Roman Candles if you’re sticking around this crock-pot of a city for the weekend. But buck up kiddies, because we’ve got an ultra-Patriotic guide for this 4th of July featuring tons of activities that are almost as exhilarating as narrowly escaping having your hand blown off by a defective firecracker.

So have fun this weekend, and try not to think about the this nation’s excellent track record of de jure and de facto inequality, hegemony, and all around bad taste. May each and every one of us be blessed with enough Budweiser, BBQ, and Kraft Singles to put us into a diabetic coma this holiday season. God Bless America.

Ascetic House is invading North Brooklyn this weekend. This record label / pack of weirdos are from Tempe, Arizona *shudder* making the occupation all too appropriate for Independence Day. But everyone knows the best bands hail from the worst lands, and Ascetic House’s crew are no exception– including psych-shredders Destruction Unit (also hailing from Arizona and originally conceived by Jay Reatard and Ryan Wong. The band has been “resurrected” after Jay’s passing) who are playing an apparently “semi-secret” show on Friday afternoon. Silent Barn, 603 Bushwick Avenue, Bushwick. 1pm, tickets at the door. $10

After the early show, mosey on down to Palisades for some deep, dark gothy electronic music from the likes of Rosemary Arp, Person of Interest, Jerome, and Outmode. The Facebook event promises doormen will be “checking pupils for proper dilation.” Who needs fireworks anyway when your synapses could be exploding all night to some deep techno throbs? If you’re like us and you can’t get enough of Ascetic House, check out their other shows happening this weekend. Palisades, 906 Broadway, Bushwick. 9pm, tickets, $10.

pigroast

Whoa, buddy, hold the phone– we might need to call the cops on this one. Seriously, what could be more depraved than feasting on swine, flopping around in a kiddie pool before (not after) getting a cheap tattoo, gobbling Jello shots, AND getting doused in beer bong backwash? Well call us if you know because otherwise the 5.0 are on their way to bust up this heathen romp. Montana’s Trail House, 445 Troutman, Bushwick. 11am

Brooklyn Night Bazaar is still happening on Friday before and after the fireworks. The soundscape is particularly heavy on the quimbo this weekend. What with the likes of Spirit Family Reunion headlining, you might actually think you’re at a county fair if you close your eyes. But don’t do it. Don’t shut your glazzies. Hold on for dear life because we’ve heard the night market gives birth to “cosmic badminton” tonight. Get there early so you can whack the birdie before the real show starts on the East River. Brooklyn Night Bazaar, 165 Banker Street, Greenpoint. RSVP for fast entry. 8pm.

After the 4th, but still happening this weekend:

Union Pool in Williamsburg hosts an event every Saturday called Summer Thunder. They have live music in their backyard—on July 5 it’s Widowspeak and Zachary Cale—and admission is free, but get there early to actually get in. They have booze specials, a taco truck, and, according to their Facebook page, “WEIRD STUFF!” How can you go wrong? Union Pool, 484 Union Ave, Williamsburg. 2pm, tickets, free.

Head to Long Island City for the MoMA PS1 Warm Up summer concert series on July 5. Tickets are a little pricy at $18, but that’ll get you awesome outdoor acoustics and top-notch performances from DJ EZ, Todd Edwards, J-CUSH, and more. Sip (or chug; it is a three-day weekend) beer from the garden, and chow down on grab-and-go food. And if you’re a Long Island City resident you can get one free ticket? The more you know. PS1, 22-25 Jackson Ave, Long Island City. Saturday, July 5, 3pm, tickets, $18.

4THOFJULY

All weekend, Videology in Williamsburg is hosting a Patriotic Movie Marathon, complete with freakin’ $1 Budweisers. Is that even legal? During the day, it’s bartender’s choice of which movie to watch—he told us he’ll pick Top Gun, Independence Day, Air Force One—anything and everything campy Americana. They’ll also sprinkle in World Cup games as they’re live. Videology, 308 Bedford Avenue, Williamsburg. Various Times.