Jessica Williams, Phoebe Robinson, and Eunice the Uterus (Photo by JP Yim/Getty Images for Lady Parts Justice)
Sunday night, the Golden Probe Awards recognized “outstanding achievements in sexism and anti-abortion extremism” at Le Poisson Rouge. In what was billed as “misogyny’s most glamorous evening,” some of the city’s best comedians handed out awards in categories such as “Best Adaption of Reality” and “Best Original Science.”
If you weren’t there, the two-hour live stream is now on the website of the event’s organizer, Lady Parts Justice. You can even see the satirical videos that aired before the ceremony, like a yogurt commercial (“women of Tennessee don’t need politicians regulating our body, we have Factivia for that”), “Sober History,” and “Shame of Thrones.”
Hostess Jean Grae (Photo by JP Yim/Getty Images for Lady Parts Justice)
During a short red carpet video, host Jean Grae was propped in a chair and given an ultrasound. On the “exam cam,” Rudy Giuliani said, “And when you say black lives matter, that’s inherently racist.” A “Probes so white” joke ran throughout the program, to acknowledge that every nominee was a white, cisgender man. Go figure.
After Grae’s hilarious opening, which included roasting audience members wearing masks of Ben Carson, Donald Trump, and Ann Coulter, Lea DeLaria (“Big Boo” from Orange is the New Black) was introduced as Miss Golden Probe. This may have been the only time we will ever see her in a dress, complete with large, frilly sleeves. She paraded around on stage in it, sticking out a leg here and there, Angelina Jolie style.
Awards were accepted digitally (since all the winners couldn’t make it in to accept, for some reason) by the funniest feminist folks in comedy, including Sarah Silverman, Samantha Bee, Matt McGorry, Kate Walsh, and Amy Brenneman.
Lea DeLaria and Lizz Winstead (Photo by JP Yim/Getty Images for Lady Parts Justice)
Most of the presenters went completely off prompter. DeLaria smoked a vape pen on stage, broke out into uncontrollable laughter, and told Lady Parts Justice founder Lizz Windstead, “I will lend my name, my fame, and my incredible gift for cunnilingus.” Two Dope Queens aka Jessica Williams and Phoebe Robinson went on an epic rant about Plan B (“sometimes it comes in a plastic container and you’re like, Woah, this is like deodorant expensive,” said Williams). Even ex-Texas senator and outspoken advocate for the right to choose Wendy Davis came and presented the award for “Best Performance in an Unscripted Digital Short.”
Wendy Davis (Photo by JP Yim/Getty Images for Lady Parts Justice)
Humor aside, this event brought laws and legislation that are detrimental to women out in an open space. Unless you keep up with the legislature of all 50 states on a daily basis, chances are, you’ll learn something from watching the Golden Probe Awards. Did you know that Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin actually thinks the blood of innocents will need be shed if Hillary gets elected president? Or that Oklahoma State Senator Joseph Silk proposed a bill that would classify abortion as murder and abortionists as murderers? It was to no surprise that Oklahoma took home the big prize of Legislature of the Year, and no, that is not a compliment.
Check out a full list of nominees and winners below (winners in asterisks).
“Best Acting Like You Care About Women in a Non-Supportive Role”
South Carolina State Senator, Tom Corbin
Alaska Senate Majority Leader, Pete Kelly
Arkansas State Rep, Kim Hammer
**Iowa Congressman, Steve King**
“Best Original Science”
Idaho State Representative, Vito Barbieri
U.S. Senator, John Thune
**Virginia State Rep, Bob Marshall**
U.S. Senator, Ben Sasse of Nebraska
Texas Congressman, Michael Burgess
“Best Adaptation of Reality”
**Ohio Attorney General, Mike Dewine**
Minnesota Congressional Candidate, Jason Lewis
Georgia State Rep, Terry England
Troy Newman, President of Operation Rescue
Carol Everett, Second-Highest Grant Recipient from the Texas Women’s Health Program
“Best performance in an Unscripted Digital Short”
Colorado Radio host, Bryan Fischer
Wisconsin Congressman, Glenn Grothman
**Oklahoma State Senator, Joseph Silk**
Missouri State Rep, Rick Brattin
“Outstanding Writing in Sharpie, Hobby Lobby Supplies, and/or Microsoft Paint”
Gulf of Maine Gunsmithing
Arizona Theology Teacher, Gavin Ahern
**Utah Congressman, Jason Chaffetz**
Purdue University’s “Purdue Students for Life”
Texas State Senator, Konni Burton
“Outstanding Underperformance by a Politician in a Leading Role”
**Kentucky Governor, Matt Bevin**
Utah State Rep, Brian Green
U.S. Senator, Ron Johnson
Indiana Governor, Mike Pence
“The Phyllis M. Schlafly Pro Lifetime Achievment Award”
**Americans United for Life**
“Legislature of the Year”
North Carolina
**Oklahoma**
Louisiana
Missouri
Alabama
I love Lady Parts Justice so hard I think I might have injured myself. And the Golden Probe awards, man, would I love to be a fly on the wall for that. Glad to see a lot of my “love to hates” won although it’s surprising not to see Mississippi as the grand loser. I’m sure they’re still #1 in worst education and general life and stuff.