As inevitable as your student loan bills, Valentine’s Day is once again around the corner. If you’re inclined to celebrate it ironically rather than romantically, fret not: this is, after all, a city of misanthropes. At these Valentine’s weekend events, there’ll be nary a chocolate heart in sight.
If you have an X-rated sense of humor…
First Comes Love: The Anniversary Show at the Bell House
Feb. 11, doors at 7:30pm. $8 advanced, $10 at the door. The Bell House, 149 7th St., Brooklyn.
The premise is simple and the results promise to be hilarious: Brooklyn comedian Kyle Ayers placed an ad on Craigslist posing as the producer of a major adult film company, and put out an open call for adult film scripts. You can imagine what happened next. Along with a slew of special guests, Ayers will be acting out the best submissions live on stage.
Rubulad Presents: Scrumptious Sweethearts of the Stratosphere
Feb. 13, 9pm till late. $10 before 10pm, $20 after. 600 DeGraw Str., Brooklyn.
Rubulad, known for their extravagant and elaborately costumed parties, keeps the night from getting too saccharine with an eclectic lineup of live performances, including Viva DeConcini’s Rock & Roll Burlesque and Zongo Junction, a nine-piece instrumental afrobeat band. A host of DJs make sure the music never stops, and fun little extras like the “Flirtatious Photo Booth by Archbishop Tutu” are sure to keep you and your date sufficiently entertained for the evening. If you like to dress up…
Carnival of Venice: Grand Masquerade Ball
Feb. 13, 9pm till late. $40-$50, depending on ticket type. The DTA, 60 Pine Street, Financial District.
If you’re looking for a Valentine’s weekend event that’s more sensual than sweet, Dances of Vice’s masquerade ball promises to be a sexy affair of carnivalesque proportions, complete with erotic dancers, acrobats, jugglers, and live musicians all frolicking about in a four-story private mansion. Masks, glitter, feathers, leather, and corsets are all greatly encouraged.
If you’ve swiped left way too many times…
Tinder Live with Lane Moore
Feb. 13, doors at 8pm. $15. The Bell House, 149 7th St., Brooklyn.
Stand-up comedian Lane Moore is back with a Valentine’s special all about everyone’s favorite dating app. Whether you met your date on Tinder, are trying to meet someone normal on Tinder, or simply want to fling your phone across the room every time you see that little flame pop up on the screen, this interactive (!) show with special guests, including Mara Wilson and Amy O’Leary, is sure to at the very least have you laughing to keep from crying.
If you’re shopping for a ring (with a skull on it)…
Punk Metal Flea
Feb. 13, noon to 6pm, Sage Bar, 299 Graham Ave., Williamsburg.
If you missed last weekend’s Valentine’s Day Flea at St. Vitus, don’t worry– this similarly metal-minded emporium promises “records, jewelry, taxidermy, clothing, art, cult VHS and more.” If everything you know about love was learned from Descendents songs, this is the place to shop (and drink) till you drop.
If you’re gleefully morbid…
Anthropomorphic Insect Shadowbox Workshop at the Morbid Anatomy Museum
Feb. 14, 1pm-4pm. $75. 424A 3rd Ave., Brooklyn.
Do you and your sweetheart (or BFF) have a penchant for creepy-cute insects? For $10, you can name one of the Bronx Zoo’s Madagascar hissing cockroaches after your special friend (the Zoo will even send that lucky person an official roach certificate). Or you could head to this workshop at the Morbid Anatomy Museum instead. Guided by Daisy Tainton, the former Senior Insect Preparator (yep that’s a real job) at the American Museum of Natural History, participants will each receive a (dead?) Rhinoceros beetle and a wide assortment of tiny furniture, foods, and everyday objects to create a totally unique diorama that’s sure to become a family heirloom of a different kind.
Blood Manor’s Bloody Valentine Weekend
Feb. 14, 6pm-10pm (other dates available as well). $30. 163 Varick Str., SoHo.
Blood Manor, New York’s massive haunted house attraction, will be hosting a special Valentine’s day weekend program complete with some high-tech scares and good old-fashioned monsters jumping out from dark corners. Bring your date and cling to each other as you madly dash through the house, screaming your head off. If you’re a socially conscious partier…
Panache and NY Night Train’s Annual Planned Parenthood of NYC Benefit Concert and Dance
Feb. 14, doors at 6:30pm. $20 advanced, $25 at the door. Music Hall of Williamsburg, 66 N 6th St, Brooklyn.
With a stellar lineup featuring DJ Jonathan Toubin, Mac DeMarco, Kid Congo, and more, this Valentine’s concert is a far cry from the simpering ballads usually associated with the holiday. There will also be a raffle with loads of prizes, an art auction, and live portrait drawings. In order to sweeten the deal even more, all the proceeds from the show go to Planned Parenthood NYC, so you can party and know you’re helping keep affordable women’s healthcare afloat. Win-win! If you do decide to go full cheeseball…
7 Minutes in Heaven
Feb. 14, 5-8pm, The Diamond, 43 Franklin St., Greenpoint
Just for V-Day, Greenpoint’s cheekiest bar is turning its backyard ski gondola (originally from Gore Mountain in the Adirondacks) into a heated love nest, complete with Barry White-esque mood music. Sign up online and $25 gets you champagne service for two, oysters, and sweets, all served by a “gondolier” who, if The Diamond’s mockup is any indicator, will be in full getup as he snaps a Polaroid of your intimate encounter.