Here’s a question for the ages– is The Bedford Stop still The Bedford Stop if the girls go to South Florida for the holidays? The title of the newest episode from Williamsburg’s most lovable residents, “Holidays Without Hollandaise,” implies that the girls are gonna be roughin’ it while holed up in America’s dangler. Whatever will they do without Cafe Colette? If you can stand to imagine an episode without brunch, then venture forth. Although given that Dubai is making moves to stage a junta of Williamsburg’s title for Most Depraved Brunch, we maybe would have preferred a special “City of Gold”-edition of America’s favorite reality show. Somebody get these girls a Fulbright grant.
Highlights during this 20-minute banger include at least one tragedy: Alex burns her hair on a candle when she leans in to take a selfie. Olena has to deal with navigating the nuances of a foreign place, something called the “like, Florida Uber situation.” Ew. Later that night, Alex’s mom has convinced her to sport some culottes at the holiday party, which Olena disapproves of as such: “Ew that sounds like a va-jee-jee.”
More avant-garde linguistic gymnastics turn up. “Being here makes me appreciate what we have back at home,” Alex says in a drunken heart-to-heart with her BFF. But Olena’s not quite finished with Florida. She demands that before taking flight back to their “relevant” home base, they hit up that “clurb” in Fort Lauderdale. And the girls appear to have stumbled on a brand new internet-to-IRL translation, using the brain-twister of a an expletive “as AF.”
Besides the usual abstract impressionist diction, we get a closer look at the girls’ philosophy of fashion. Olena lowers the boiling point for Alex’s family party by wearing a demure pairing of “club wedges from the days I went to Marquee or whatever the hell” and a “very covered-up nun dress” so that Alex’s mom doesn’t think she’s a “hoochie.” Then, back in Williamsburg, we find Alex getting dressed for New Year’s Eve, fussing over which pair of painful high-heels to wear. Olena seems already put together– a black dress with a plunging neckline and a blowout– but wait, she’s paired this with “old grandma boots,” so as not to “overpower” men that measure up to her “5-foot-zero MySpace boyfriend.”
The girls seem to be veering into Kardashian banality as of late without the product endorsements and fascinating new mother (crack cocaine for the media) to back it up. Maybe the holidays have left the girls a little too drunk on happiness instead of actual alcohol? We can only hope they’ll drink more come spring. But Olena glistens when she follows Alex into her room, pleading with her friend to not abandon her with the “Hoboken friends.” Ew.