Oh, the places social media can take you– close to the edge of insanity in the case of “24/7” delivery Phrosties, or “the best tasting fruit slushies in NYC.” The concept is simple. Request to follow the Phrostie man on Instagram, wait for approval, and text your borough’s corresponding number to order your choice of a variety of colorful, frozen pints of slushy goodness.
At 12,000 followers just one year after starting the account, Phrosties — much like their non-frozen predecessor, Nutcracker — have exploded onto the New York City delivery market, and a recent westward expansion into New Jersey speaks to their immense success despite the frozen treats’ dubious legality.
Though the Instagram account conveniently avoids revealing Phrosties’ precise ingredients, in looking at the available evidence (i.e. their popularity amongst bros, proximity to clouds of smoke, their association with “#TGIF,” and generally making life more “rad”), one can reasonably conclude these frozen treats contain a potent dose of extraordinary powerful booze. But in keeping with journalistic standards of integrity, I decided to carry out a survey this past weekend in the interest of fact-checking.
Dosage was based on past experiences with the (now banned) original Four Loko recipe — a powerful booze concoction made up of malt liquor, caffeine, guarine, and taurine. Given the descriptions I’d heard from experienced Phrostie fans, it was reasonable to assume Phrosties share similar effects with the late Four Loko. Last Saturday in Brooklyn, a team of 20 brave souls divided 30 phrosties.Some survey participants consumed as little as half of their plastic pint bottle of colorful slush while other more adventurous types consumed up to two and a half bottles.
After waiting over three hours for delivery (plan ahead y’all), a rather youngish looking kid arrived and handed over a box labeled “CHERRY SLUSH SYRUP” filled with 30 slushies for $300. The delivery boy declined to say the box contained anything other than Phrosties. Rapid consumption ensued, and the resulting chaos broke out just as quickly. “As soon as I started my Phrostie, things started getting real,” participant Morgan Morel said.
Another party attendee, Kate Bodden added: “The only time I’ve gotten drunker faster is when I accepted a dare to chug a forty in under a minute.”
Phrosties’ extremely high alcohol content and dangerously high sugar levels catapulted the study participants into a speedy ascent to wild drunken abandon. The sugar high resulted in childlike behavior and destructive tendencies, and was hard to stomach for some. Thankfully the large straws aided in faster consumption. But everyone agreed Phrosties are easier on the gut than Four Loko. The frozen treats tasted like what you might be slurping if a Dallas BBQ bartender misread a recipe calling for a 1.5 oz shot of tequila as 15 oz of moonshine. “But as a grain alcohol delivery system I thought they tasted great,” participant Brian Polsgrove concluded.
Study Conclusion: Phrosties definitely contain extremely high-proof alcohol, quite possibly Everclear. But fear not, the ingredient list seems to be relatively innocent besides this.
Recommendation: These bevvies are not for the faint of liver. Enjoy phrosties responsibly, preferably out of doors, and far away from subway platforms. House favorites included an all-white variety similar to horchata, and multi-layered mango, peach, & piña colada concoction– which by the way, may very well be the best piña colada I’ve had anywhere.
At $10 a pop, if you’re living on a budget this summer and are willing to sign up for some serious brain damage, by all means imbibe. As participant Alex Hess concluded: “A small part of me died that night, a large part of me doesn’t give a shit.”
Another partygoer urged the willing to “try this psycho juice while it is still legal.”