At left, Chef Christian Ortiz holds Sincerely Burger's humble regular-sized burger next to the five-pounder food baby (Photo courtesy of Sincerely Burger)

At left, Chef Christian Ortiz holds Sincerely Burger’s humble regular-sized burger next to the five-pounder food baby (Photo courtesy of Sincerely Burger)

Apparently Sincerely Burger doesn’t believe that you have to be the Jolly Green Giant, Paul Bunyon, or Giganta (the only not-horribly-creepy female giant character I could find) in order to consume a five-pound cheeseburger in its entirety whilst glugging down a half-gallon milkshake. Nay– you just have to be brave. And have $99 to spare.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll become a sort of hero if you can polish off this big chunk of steer along with bourbon-spiked peanut butter and cookie milkshake. (Take that, you bourgeois sommeliers– this is a pairing for the people), or the kind of swashbuckler that goes down in Bushwick neighborhood history for millennia. You’d have an elementary school named after you, and at least one placard on a bench at Maria Hernandez to call your own.

But for real, talk about a turnaround from English country kitchen. Just last week Dear Bushwick reopened its doors as a sizzling burgers-n-fries joint. Who knew we’d see the brand go full-on Las Vegas? Co-owner Julian Mohamed admitted, “I imagine folks will be Instagraming and all that jazz.” What’s next, is Guy Fieri going to pull up in a yellow Camaro and start tossing out bottles of hydrogen peroxide and packages of his signature “Beef Skirt Steak for Carne Asada”?

(Photo courtesy of Sincerely Burger)

(Photo courtesy of Sincerely Burger)

Well, maybe. But at least we can say the good people at Sincerely Burger have injected their boom-boom pie with a semblance of actual chef-ery. The five-pound food baby is something like Chef Christian Ortiz’s magnum opus, and aside from the “Sincerely Burger signature meat blend,” it contains a full pound of unspecified cheese, 1.5 pounds of bacon jam, a full head of iceberg lettuce, and “a rather large Sesame bun,” according to the restaurant’s enthusiastic public announcement.

Rest assured that, unlike the infamous Octuple Bypass Burger at Heart Attack Grill ($30.76, with those optional 40 slices of bacon added on), you can go splitsies on this one. Julian Mohamed assured us, “I haven’t personally finished one off. That would probably kill me. We just about managed to finish one between four of us, that wasn’t easy. We were stuffed. You need to be hungry for four people. Five to six people will be comfortable. Even eight people will probably be satiated.” As for how many patrons are confined to one five-pound burger? “No restrictions,” Mohamed explained. “Once ordered they can eat it share it however they want.”

So when the first fearless patron orders that five-pound burger, it just might mark the beginning of the year that small plates broke, literally.