Next Saturday, instead of staying home and cruising Tinder, let Lane Moore do the swiping for you. The writer, musician, and stand-up comic produces and hosts the popular show Tinder LIVE!, which returns to the Knitting Factory on June 6. Once again, Moore will offer funny tips and observations about real Tinder profiles, and call on the audience as she decides to swipe left or right. As a warm-up, I asked Moore to reflect on past Tinder experiences (both scary and blush-worthy). Read on as she tells us how to navigate the vast amount of hot bods, tiger pics and corny bios.
I got the idea for the show the first time I used Tinder. I wanted to create an environment that could take this isolating, depressing as hell experience of trying to find someone amazing in a sea of cocky idiots and turn it into this room full of people who were all in it together. I also don’t let the show turn into “Look how ugly this person is,” because that’s not what the show is about – that’s not funny. I wanted it to feel hilarious and cathartic and inclusive and weirdly hopeful, which it does and that’s why people love it.
I mean, the app for sure is centered on how hot you are. It’s literally “would fuck you, wouldn’t fuck you,” but that’s also because no one puts anything in their “About Me.” Or if they do, they try too hard to be clever and act like they’re too cool to be on Tinder, which is a waste of time. If you’re on Tinder and you want to show how cool you are, write something funny and engaging and honest in there! That would be a welcome change, my friend. I don’t usually notice a pose, but if your pose is trying to communicate, “I’m a guy who totally gets laid, I swear!” it’s usually not a good look.
If you’re just looking for “people who will have sex with my body” then sure, cool strategy, but that’s also the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. For real, dude? You’re in a city of countless people and you will literally settle for “someone who will touch me for five seconds?” I mean, if that’s what you really want, go forth, but I think everyone could aim a little higher. I think you should swipe right when you feel psyched about someone. When someone looks like a friend you’d have, someone you’d also want to date. I think that’s what a lot of us are looking for.
I see so many men (and women) who reply to questions like they’re falling asleep. And let me just add, I really go for it with conversation on Tinder. If I like you, I’ll ask engaging questions and try to actually see what your personality is like. I think the problem is that no one expects anything good to come out of it, which on the one hand is fine. On the other hand, you might actually be talking to someone incredible and you wouldn’t know it because you’re not putting in any effort. Which seems pointless to me, like, just delete the app then. No one needs your half-assed “what’s up” messages, dude.
Oh, man, the king-of-all-bad-Tinder-dates crown goes to a lawyer I met. He spent the whole night talking about how he felt that as a white male, he personally faced racism from people of color (though he definitely did not call them people of color), and how he “fucked the lesbian” out of a lot of his exes – cool stories all. There were other things way too depressing to even repeat (not that those weren’t), but let me just say that I went out with him because he seemed cute and normal. But in person he was like a t-shirt cannon full of hate speech. I walked home terrified and tweeted about it immediately because I was so shocked that he existed.
I know bars are standard, but I always feel like that’s a little lazy (maybe because I’m not a big drinker). I think coffee works. It strikes me as more human than “let’s meet in a dark place and get fucked up.” I had a really great coffee date once and I ended up dating the guy for a little while (until it turned out he was emotionally braindead, but still). It lasted a few more dates. Haha. That’s something!
Ha. Yeah, calling me a hopeless romantic would somehow be a vast understatement. That said, I think you can find your person anywhere, man. If I’m a really cool, normal-ish person on Tinder who is actually interested in a relationship, who is to say there isn’t some other really cool, normal-ish person on Tinder who is also interested in a relationship? I’ve heard of people who met on Tinder and then got married. That does sound a little pie-in-the-sky to me because I’ve just been on so many bad dates, but who knows? If I met the coolest person ever who felt like my best friend (who I also wanted to make out with forever), I don’t think I’d be spending much time focusing on how I found them.